il Mozzo — The Australian Showground Bible

Last Updated: 20/09/2023

If you were looking for a list of showground in Australia, I’m afraid you will be disappointed. What we have here instead is the Bible of Australian showground, that will help you have a better understand of your neighbours on wheels… Please remember if you find this article offensive, then be offended. Or you could perhaps try to have a good time and a good laugh as I did when I wrote this…

Not sure of how many showground there are in Australia but there seem to be a very common pattern of “rituals” that if you do spend enough time on the road, you will start to recognise pretty quickly… Below is a small list collected in the past 5 years on the road…

Without further ado I present you the 10 20 30 commandment that pretty much apply to every showground in Australia… Not in any particular order:

Every showground has a village idiot/s. You must find them as quick as possible and camp as far as possible. You are allowed to move site the first second you have found them. If you can’t find them after 24 hours, then it is you!
If you see a caravan going around for a good one hour, don’t panic. It is just a single woman or a pair of women, looking for a good spot. No difference what so ever than from when they are shopping for shoes. Good thing about female camper, they deploy their gear extremely quickly and efficiently..
If you see a caravan parking in one spot and then keep adjusting and rotating for the next hour or two, it’s a bloke.. It seem that we can see our spot but we can’t really find the perfect position for the caravan… It will also take hours for the complete setup to be ready.. Why? Go to 4
Some caravan owner feel compel to show everybody else how much gear they got, and once deployed, they simply put it away again as it was really never needed in the first place… You will often hear the sentence, “just in case”. They don’t like to call it for what it is: they were hoarder before, when they had no wheels, and they still are now…
What ever you do, do not, I repeat, do not offer to help unless asked. Showground campers are quite aggressive by nature and setting up camp is one of the most stressful part of their life… Perhaps the only one…
Most grey nomad are filthy rich. At least, they want you to believe that. You will be the judge of that, based on what you see, and not what they tell you…
Most grey nomad are genius! They have done every possible job (beside rocket scientist), and they know and can do anything and everything. You will feel like in the presence of a god, until you see them doing something, at which point you realise why everything they own is faulty or broken…
Everybody lies, but nowhere near as much as it happen in the showground!
If you ever wonder where are all the dogs, cats, birds, just spend a day in the showground, and you will be amazed how many “pets” they can fit in those 6 square metres…
Entry price at the showground is always too expensive, and yet, they are all in there…, complaining about the entry fee price…
If you see a caravan, a tent, a 5th wheeler or a motorhome, entirely surrounded by pots and plant, or chickens, congratulations, you just found the village idiot…
Some grey nomad struggle with the simple concept that the showground doesn’t belong to them, even if eventually, they will be buried in there if they keep pissing people off…
Most grey nomad are very nice to you, until you say something they don’t agree on. After that, they will not speak to you ever again. This is a good weapon to use to get rid of most of them, including the village idiot/s.
The amount of time you have been on the road, for some unknown reason, will give you more decisional power over the other people issues and problems..
Learning to reverse your caravan is not compulsory. It optional at best. It is still one of the best show in the showground…
Your vehicle is a representation of who you really are and your beliefs. Never forget that! Well, you won’t be able too, anyway. There will be always someone asking, what where you thinking when you bought that…
When you live in the showground, for the rest of the populations, you are a trailer trash. Get used to it!
Everybody hate taking their own shit, to the dumping point. It is just a fact of life. Get used to it!
When the power goes off, everybody want to see their power box, no matter if there are 50 people already doing it at the same time in the showground…
When everybody are parked with the awning facing East, there is always one facing West. He is the newbie in the showground…
Everybody appreciate having wheels under their homes, when the noisy neighbour moves in.. Problem is, they are all noisy and they all got wheels…
Some grey nomad, do move daily from showground to showground and yet, they have never seeing or met new people. They normally start to drink red wine at 2.30 in the arvo… Who knows…
Never expect a receipt from the caretaker in the showground. In not that they don’t want to give it to you, they simply don’t care about your tax requirements. Why would they, they are retired people, still pretending to work to get a free accommodation. Giving receipt would be real work…
People living permanently in tents in the showground, do fight often. It just seems a lot louder because canvas doesn’t really stop the sound very well…
Always Remember: the newer and expensive the caravan, the more arrogant and ignorant is the owner, but not in a bad way, just in an annoying way…
When you see young people with kids, think or NOISE, MORE NOISE, AND LOTS OF IT… Not sure of why they are allowed to be in there in the first place.. And you can see that question, in everybody’s face… Why? See n.27
Grey nomads, apparently, were never young, so they simply hate young kids, or as they are friendly called: Ankle Biters. In all honesty, you must remember that has been more than 7 decades, since they were kids themself. Memory is not that good past 60…
Good news! There are no Jehovah’s Witness or New born Christians in the showground… If at 70 they still don’t believe in it, nobody, will convince them otherwise. In all fairness, they also have stopped to believe in Santa…
Women travelling solo, are solo for a reason, but not always the same reason why men are travelling solo.. They are both part of the showground landscape, and they are both funny and dangerous at the same time…
Grey Nomad are all Stickybeak. No exceptions!! Some also have commentary while checking the new caravan driving in. Get used to it!